'AITA because I refused to be a surrogate for my infertile sister and decided to have a hysterectomy?'
Family is often a source of love and support, but when emotions run high, even sibling relationships can be tested.
One 28-year-old Reddit user recently shared her heart-wrenching dilemma - her decision to prioritize her well-being and her sister's longing for motherhood sparked a deeply emotional family conflict.
Woman balances sister's plea for surrogacy against her own health needs
"I (28f) am having my third (and final) child with my husband, and I have a scheduled c-section and hysterectomy planned," she explained.
"My periods started when I was young (9) and I have suffered with them ever since. They're extremely painful, heavy, and (very) long. I wasn't even sure if I could get pregnant with my issues, but I knew I wanted children, so I delayed even when the option was originally presented to me. It was worth it, but these extra years have been torture on my body," the woman added.
While preparing to end years of physical suffering, she faced an unexpected plea from her sister.
"My sister (31f) is struggling with infertility. She's had some fertility treatments, but nothing has worked for her yet. It was suggested to her on more than one occasion that she could consider a surrogate. She was very against it for so long," she said.
She added, "In another situation, one where I didn't have all the problems I have, I would have offered for her because we're so close. But I need to be done. I don't know if I'll honestly survive like I have been if I wait another couple of years or more so my sister can have kids."
Woman's husband and mom defend her after brother-in-law's accusation
Things took an emotional turn in December when her sister made a direct request.
"In December, my sister came right out and asked me not to have the hysterectomy yet and to be her surrogate so she can be a mother too. I told her I was so sorry and if my body wasn't giving me the hell it is, I'd do it for her, but I couldn't delay it any longer. She got upset but told me it was fine and she understood. She'd get over it. I could tell it bothered her, but I didn't want to fight about it," the woman said.
But the tension escalated during the holidays when her brother-in-law confronted her.
She said, "Our whole family was together Christmas Day, and when everyone was busy, he asked to speak to me and then he berated me for my selfishness and said if I loved my sister as much as I said, I'd delay it like I did for my own selfish reasons."
"My husband and my mom heard him, and they stepped in to defend me, and my husband told my BIL to back off and that nobody should ever be put under pressure to carry a pregnancy. Mom said emotions might be high around it, but none of this is my fault and he shouldn't attack me like that," the woman said.
Despite the support from her immediate family, the confrontation left scars as the woman said, "The rest of Christmas Day was strained, and afterward, my sister told me she was sorry about her husband, but they were just so upset, and they felt robbed of having a baby biologically related to the two of them. I told her I was so sorry and I was here if she needed me. BIL reached out and said my sister might be sorry, but he still thinks I'm incredibly selfish."
Reddit rallies behind woman pressured to delay hysterectomy for surrogacy
As the story unfolded online, the internet quickly rallied around the woman, with many expressing outrage at her brother-in-law’s accusations and offering sympathy for the difficult decision she had to make.
One Reddit user chimed in, "NTA. She's not entitled to your womb. It's terrible for her and her husband to pressure you."
Another added, "NTA. F your BIL. He wants you to risk your life and prolong medical complications for you to have a high risk pregnancy because your sister and he don't want to adopt. Most women have a hard time getting a hysterectomy because doctors tell them they need to wait for various misogynistic reasons. The fact you have had it suggested previously means you must REALLY need the procedure to protect your health and life. They can find another surrogate."
Someone else noted, "Your body your choice. It’s absolutely deplorable that he even felt he was justified coming to you. The possibility of you dying far out ways their need to be biological parents. You are NOT wrong in getting the procedure done if it increases your quality of life. NTA, but your BIL is. Edit:spelling mistake."
A viewer remarked, "NTA. I have also given birth three times and let me just say your BIL can fuck ALL the way off. How do he feel entitled to nearly a year of someone’s pain and discomfort? I wouldn’t even do it again- for my own family. Let alone for anyone else."
One comment declared, "Honestly, if you asked your doctor if you could even be a surrogate, with all the problems you've had, you are probably not even a candidate. It is WAY too expensive of a procedure to go through to risk it on someone who does not have a normal, healthy reproductive system. What kind of fertility specialist would risk that on someone who needs a hysterectomy?? You are not the only person who can be a surrogate for them. So tell to your BIL to STFU, the discussion is closed."
Another observed, "NTA. Your health and well-being come first, and no one has the right to pressure you into delaying a necessary medical procedure, especially one that impacts your quality of life so significantly. It’s heartbreaking that your sister is struggling, but that doesn’t make you selfish for prioritizing your own health. Your BIL’s behavior is out of line, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself."
As one person explained, "NTA. You wrote the main sentence: nobody should ever be put under pressure to carry a pregnancy. They have no right to your body and you are not robbing them of anything. Infertility is hard, very hard. But they put pressure on you, guilt trip you etc. because you beeing the surrogate is an easy solution. But it is not the only solution and them becoming parents is not your responsibility."
