'AITA for choosing to cook only for myself and stop cooking for my husband after emotional exhaustion?'

The internet is rallying behind a woman who admitted that she could no longer bear the weight of her husband’s dietary needs and her emotional exhaustion.

The situation was discussed by the original poster (OP) on Reddit’s 'Am I the A*****e forum' titled, "AITA for deciding to cook for myself and not my husband?" The post quickly went viral, garnering over 2.8k upvotes and nearly 573 comments.

Woman doesn't want to cook for husbnad

OP explained the situation, revealing that she had been married to her husband for 12 years, together for 15. While they have no children, OP handles almost every aspect of their household, including cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and caring for their pets.

"I (42F) have been married to my husband (48F) for 12 years, together for 15. We both work full time, no kids. My husband is ND and extremely successful in his career, but struggles with day-to-day functioning. He has a lot of dietary restrictions and over the years I was happy to work around those--mostly we now eat homemade salad and baked chicken, in various forms."

She continued, "Unfortunately, this resulted in a situation where I do ALL the cooking. Any attempts to cook for me have lasted about one night before he is overwhelmed and frazzled and so I just go back to cooking as it's what I have always done. I also pay all the bills, manage the household, take care of the dogs, do the laundry, clean the house, and work my own jobs. I am an academic and work at two schools."

The issue worsened when OP's husband developed various health issues, including allergies, intolerances, and sensitivities to common household items, including the oven and food preparation methods.

OP explained, "Over the last five years, my husband has been sick with various ailments, starting with atypical long covid, and then this year accelerating into an allergy to wood dust, intolerance to edibles, allergy to a paint I used on the kitchen cabinets, a reaction to our gas stove, and now (and this is the problem) an inability to tolerate chicken being baked in a tiny electric toaster oven as I'm not allowed to use gas anymore. He will not eat other meats or pasta. I cannot use the stovetop as causes oil to splatter and it bothers him. He has pursued no medical solution aside from an inhaler from his PCP. His symptoms are mysterious and variable. He has not seen an allergist or rheumatologist in spite of my pleading."

OP has been serving as the primary caregiver for her terminally ill father, who passed away recently. She expressed, “In the middle of all of this, I was the primary caretake for my father, who died slowly and brutally. He died in my arms on 12/21/24 after 10 months of illness, during which time I became his medical and financial power of attorney. He died hardly more than two weeks ago. For those of you that know, you know. For those of you that do not know, I don't want you to know. I am now the primary caretaker for my mother."

OP’s husband’s increasing demands around food preparation became a focal point of tension. She shared, “This morning, finally, I realized that perhaps I needed to remove myself from this whole emotional food-centered loop and told my husband he can cook and shop for himself and I will cook and shop for myself and the dogs. He was not happy about this at all."

Her husband was reportedly upset by this decision. OP admitted, “I feel like a miserable failure of a wife. But I am drowning. I had to put some sort of boundary down so that I could protect and nourish myself in this hard time. AITA for longer wanting to cook in this impossible environment?"

Internet supports woman who sets boundary with husband over cooking duties

The post has received overwhelming support from Reddit users, many of whom commended OP for setting boundaries in a difficult situation.

One user wrote, "NTA. I also pay all the bills, manage the household, take care of the dogs, do the laundry, clean the house, and work on my own jobs. I am an academic and work at two schools. You do all of this on top of cooking...what does your husband do? Does he help with bills? Does he help with taking care of the dogs? Does he do anything besides work? Does his money go towards something for the house or marriage? From what it looks like OP, this marriage is a one way street. He can’t even cook for you nor himself because he gets overwhelmed? Does he seek help to help him to function better as an adult? As I see it, you’re a full time maid with a full time job and other responsibilities."

Another added, "Yes to all of this! You are not the miserable failure. He is! What does he contribute to your health and happiness? It sounds like his expectation of your partnership is that you give and he takes. F that. NTA."

"OP can’t be expected to do everything, especially with everything she's been through. Her grief and exhaustion are valid. It’s not selfish to set boundaries, it’s necessary for her mental and physical well-being. NTA," a user said.

Another user wrote, "OP is grieving and dealing with so much emotional and physical stress. It’s perfectly reasonable to set a boundary when she's stretched so thin. OP shouldn’t have to sacrifice her health for his comfort, especially when she's been doing everything for so long. NTA."

"ND is not an an excuse for being a total freeloader and self-absorbed entitled prick! OP is NTA. Husband is a zero-minus," another wrote.

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