'AITA for initially hiding my orphan status from fiancee and rejecting my future in-laws as parents?'

Opening up early in a relationship is often considered the key to building a strong foundation for a healthy future together. However, not all couples are comfortable with complete transparency. 

A 26-year-old man recently faced challenges after keeping a major secret from his fiancee, Lola – that he was an orphan. 

The situation took a complicated turn when he also rejected the idea of forming a parental bond with Lola's family. Let's get into the full story from his Reddit post to see whether he now regrets hiding this part of his life from her and her family.

Man opens up about his painful upbringing

In a revealing Reddit post, a 26-year-old man shared his painful upbringing, describing how he was abandoned, with no name or any information about his parents or his birthday. 

He went on to recount his years in foster care, where he wished for the existence of orphanages, as he felt the orphanages were more reliable than the "twisted f**kery" he experienced in various homes.

As he grew older, he worked hard to "prove himself", hoping that one day, his parents would come back. "When no one was there for his high school graduation," he broke down, but eventually let go of the resentment, choosing to accept that he would never have the parental love he once yearned for. 

Despite not having a passion for medicine, he entered medical school and "fell in love with a classmate." He admitted, "I never told her that I was an orphan, only telling her my parents were chronically absent (true) and someone else took care of me (also true)."

After years of dating, she proposed to him, and in his happiness, he didn't realize that weddings usually involved parents, leading to a realization he hadn't prepared for. He humorously noted, "edit: the "physical evidence" bit was tongue in cheek. I grew up without gifts like that and I learned to make do. The salient part is that that was the happiest that I've ever been, and I didn't want to jeopardize that by unloading my past."

As they moved in together near her family, her mother began questioning them about their wedding plans. The man, feeling pressured, decided to tell his fiancee in a rather blunt manner. He explained, "I told her that my parents were chronically absent because I didn't know who they were and "someone else" was the foster homes. After asking a couple questions, she ran away to her parents to discuss my parentlessness, then they all came back for dinner."

Argument escalates between man and his in-laws

Additionally, in his Reddit post, the 26-year-old explained that his mother-in-law and father-in-law wanted to adopt a parental role, but he firmly declined. He wrote, "I thanked them but said I wasn't interested in having parents of any kind. But, she insisted, everyone should know a parent's love. I made a joke about a mouse in my research eating its baby." 

He added, "Then PFIL slammed the table and yelled at me for not taking his wife or daughter seriously, and I snapped, telling them to get a grip and go find my parents if they wanted me to have them and God I hope they have better luck than I did. They shut up and left." 

The post went on to describe how his in-laws were more concerned about their family’s image than his feelings. "They were really concerned...about what it would look like to Gramps if his granddaughter was marrying an orphan. See, that's the kind of thing I've come to expect from parents."

He also shared how his fiancee was upset and now questioning what else he might be hiding. "[She’s] demanding to know what else I'm hiding from her. The answer is nothing, her parents and her gigantic family that won't fit in a damn farmhouse are obviously important to her but I never knew mine so this wasn't a huge secret, just something I didn't like talking about."

Finally, he asked, "AITA? or even if I am, is there anything else I could've done to get a better outcome?"

Man shares more 'clarifying details' about his in-laws

In a follow-up to his original post, OP provided some clarifying details, sharing, "When I made this post, I knew Lola's (fiancee (I can't believe I've been spelling it wrong this entire time and no one pointed it out)) family was rich but there's rich and then there's influential, both of which they are.”

He continued, “I only knew about the latter part in vague details before the events happened because I didn't care before and Lola becoming a doctor was in part an effort to break away from the mold of the family so she doesn't like going into too much detail." 

He went on to explain the intentions of his father-in-law, noting, "They are deeply entrenched in the businesses and local government of the US South and are conservatives, so my lack of heritage is a problem to them not only in a social lens but also in a practical one in terms of possible scandals/campaign ammunition.”

He thanked commenters for being "pretty helpful" but also admitted, "After taking a step back, I've seen some of the faults in my thinking."

He reiterated his stance, saying, "I’m the a**hole for not telling Lola I was an orphan? The reason I didn’t is because she’s the person I want to dedicate my life to, so I should trust her with everything about my life." 

He continued, "I don’t agree that I should’ve told her earlier because if she had an issue with orphans, it would’ve been a waste of time for both of us. I never thought I could keep it a secret forever, but I don’t see the issue with waiting beyond whatever subjective timeline anyone might’ve expected."

He also questioned, "I'm the a**hole for keeping my status as an orphan from Lola only for the reason that she is the person I've decided to dedicate my life to, so I should trust her with everything about my life. I don't agree that I should've told her because if it turns out she has a problem with orphans, that's wasted time for both of us (more on that here), nor do I agree that I lied." 

OP went on to express, “I was never under the illusion that I could keep it a secret forever, but I don't see the issue in having waited past a year or six months or whatever subjectively defined timeline you (in the royal sense) personally might've wanted to know about it. All relevant factors (eg not being a Strong Family Man) are exactly the same whether I'm an orphan or just have really absent parents."

The man also questioned whether he was in the wrong for making a joke to "distract from the topic of me considering them as my parents." He further apologized for not allowing more time for his future in-laws to fully understand his situation and expressed gratitude for the supportive replies he received.

He then shared an update on his relationship with Lola, revealing that they are still engaged but not yet married. He expressed appreciation for her trust, reassuring her that he hadn’t hidden anything from her.

“We're still engaged, but most of her family is adamantly against us getting married for the reasons laid out above. Her parents are one of the few on our side (oops). Hope things can cool down so we can get married without incident but it's out of our hands for the time being.”

The 26-year-old wrapped up his long post with a final note: “Thanks everyone for taking the time. I fell ill after everything happened so I called out of work and spent a lot of time on here, but it's time to get back to life and moving forward.”

Internet divided after reading about OP's situation regarding his marriage

After reading the lengthy post of a man who concealed the fact that he was an orphan from his fiancee, several Reddit users shared their thoughts and comments. Some users labeled him as YTA, with one person stating, "There are plenty of real orphans with these types of issues, and worse." 

Another person slammed, "YTA: this is information you should have told her long ago. Your aggression towards the situation makes me wonder if therapy is something you, and you and your SO should be having." 

One more added, "YTA - you’ve lied to her your entire relationship, we’re absolutely brutal and rude to her parents for no reason. You’re totally TA" 

A Redditor shared, "Uhhh you just seem very very hurt and traumatized and need therapy. Lashing out at ur in laws wasn’t good but I feel like orphans deserve some wiggle room when it comes to dealing w their emotions"

Some users declared him as not the a**hole with one claiming, "NTA. Growing up in foster homes can cause trauma. You have a right to disclose that at a time and place you see fit."

This article contains remarks made on the internet by individual people and organizations. MEAWW cannot confirm them independently and does not support claims or opinions being made online.