'AITA for not giving my social security number to my girlfriend for running a background check on me?'

Building a successful and healthy relationship requires trust but several psychologists have advised couples to set boundaries for their relationship and retain some degree of independence. They recommend that giving your social security number to your partner is not necessary to gain their trust.

A Redditor named Alarmed_Sorbet8101 appeared to have ended up in this exact situation. The 27-year-old man reached out to the 'Am I The A*****e' (AITA) community to seek advice after his girlfriend placed him in an awkward situation by asking for his social security number so she could run a background check on him.

Redditor refuses to give his social security number to girlfriend

The original poster (OP) began his post, "AITAH For Not Giving My Girlfriend My Social Security Number So She Can Run A Background Check On Me" by saying that he and his 31-year-old girlfriend have been dating for nearly a year.

The OP wrote, "This evening she sat me down and said she needs to have a serious conversation with me and she asked for my social security number. I said absolutely not, why would you need that?"

The man shared that his girlfriend also informed him of her ex-boyfriend's essentially double existence. "He had a bunch of criminal charges in his past that he'd never told her about and eventually exposed her to some sketchy and dangerous behavior before she broke things off after he cheated," the OP added.

He continued, "I said okay, thank you for telling me that, but what does that have to do with my social security number?"

According to the OP, his girlfriend claimed that since then, she has had a friend of hers, who works for the federal government, perform background checks on people to ensure their safety.

Since their relationship has been developing, she has to know that the OP is a safe partner. Therefore, she wanted his social security number (SSN) to look into his criminal past.

Explaining his reluctance to provide his partner with his SSN, the OP said, "Now, for the record, I don't even have a parking ticket. I'm a nerd and a gym rat, all I do is work, go to school, play dungeons and dragons, come home, watch anime, rinse and repeat, so I don't care about a background check, she won't find anything."

"But I'm not giving out my SSN. I don't feel comfortable enough providing that to her friend," he added.

The OP noted that his girlfriend became agitated when he said, "I don't understand what women go through and it's about safety."

"And I admitted she's right, I have no idea what women go through, but that doesn't mean I'm giving my SSN out to a complete stranger," he added.

The friend, who works for the federal government, is not a stranger according to his girlfriend. Rather, he is one of her closest friends and the spouse of a close friend. Upon learning about this, the author said, "And I said honey that's great, but I don't know him, I don't trust him because I don't know him."

The OP emphasized, "That's MY information you're asking for, you can trust him with your personal information if you want, but no one I don't know is getting my SSN or critical details. It's just not happening."

According to the OP, his girlfriend also added that unless he gives her the SSN, their relationship won't be able to advance because she wants to know that she's safe and she feels insulted that he doesn't respect her friendship preferences.

Sticking to his ground, the OP added, "I got up and left at that point and told her I respect her concerns, but her past trauma doesn't give her the right to try and strong arm me into giving out sensitive information to someone I don't know just because he works for the federal government and has access to a database."

"I used to work for the federal government so I can say from experience, everyone working there isn't some wonderful person," the OP said.

The Redditor concluded his post by saying that his partner called him "insensitive and hasn't spoken to me since. Personally, I feel like she was gaslighting me into giving her what she wants but I'm not sure."

Reddit community rallies behind OP for not providing his girlfriend with his SSN

The young man received overwhelming support from the Reddit community who called him an 'NTA' for not giving in to his girlfriend's request. One user said, "Her government friend is committing a felony. NTA. You want no part of this."

A second user added, "NTA. I am a federal employee who does have access to some systems like that in order to locate people and it is 100% against the law to use them for personal reasons. In fact, we have to try all other reasonable ways to find someone before using these systems. There is something sketchy there. Also, you don't need an SSN to do a background check. A name and address or birthdate are enough."

"NTA. I just had a background check completed. I've had them every five ish years for the last 20 because I volunteer with children. Some in state, some federal. I also have been screened by the govt for a permit several times. I have NEVER had to provide a SSN. Sadly, I think your GF may the criminal and you may be her long-con mark," remarked one.

Calling the relationship toxic, another user wrote, "NTA. You don't even know if she's telling you the truth. She should be stealing your SSN for all you know. Run, run away. Clearly she isn't willing to address her trust issues. She needs therapy. Assuming everyone is a criminal and you need proof otherwise is incredibly toxic."

Another advised, "NTA. Another woman here. This is BS. Using federal database for unauthorized background checks is illegal, a background check doesn’t require an SSN, it sounds like some sort of a scam or, if not, a frightening level of stupidity, and you handled it very, very maturely. Dump her and carry on."

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