'AITA for not helping my mom financially after she neglected me for my brother?'
A 34-year-old woman sought advice from the Redditors when she felt bad for refusing to help her old mother financially.
Taking to the AITA subsection of Reddit, a 34-year-old female asked, “AITA for not stepping up and offering help to my mom after she laid her all her "eggs" in the wrong basket?”
While she admitted in the beginning that the title of her post might sound like she is “bitter,” the OP reassured her that is not the case and that she has a long history of resentment for her mother.
OP asks whether she is wrong for not helping her mother
“Title seems like I'm bitter, and a part of me is because of the fact that I told her so,” shared the author before giving her background, “I'm now 34F and middle child to a single asian mother.”
She shares that she has an elder brother, who is a decade older than her, and “for his whole life,” their mother has “babied him.”
She listed her grievances against her mother, saying, “I was expected to contribute to the household when I graduated college at 21F, but he didn't have to at 31 because he was still in school at community college. She gave him gas money, let him take her car, sleep in, not cook, have me do his laundry, etc.”
The OP shared that she moved out of the home when she was 21, and has kept her family at a distance ever since. “Due to issues, I don't want my brother in my life or my family's life,” shared the OP, before noting, “I have made that clear with my mother that I will let her have a relationship with my kid, but she is not allowed near him vice versa.”
She continued, “She would get upset at ME for hanging up when she showed my kid to my brother on my facetime, when I find out that she took my kid to her house to play with my brother and post pictures all over FB. I told her no more, and that I asked nicely a few times and you ruined it by not respecting me. Constant years of this and disregard to me and my boundaries.”
The OP shared that for the last few years, her mother was living with her brother and doing most of the household work. Now that her brother has moved out, her mother started “room surfing.”
Once she also came down to the author’s house and cried about the distance between them. “She came to my house and cried to me that I don't call her to update her on my life or my family, that she now doesn't live with him and is room surfing. I just replied and asked her point blank, what happened to my brother? She got upset and cried and left,” shared the author.
The OP noted that her mother never planned for her retirement years, adding that when she was young, it was told that her mother would be moving in with me.
But the OP, angered by their childhood equation, “said no.” She further explained, “See I would've taken care of my mom had she not disrespected me all these years to the point I am LC with her.”
While she keeps in touch because of her child, the OP admitted, “I feel bad because she is my mom, but at the same time it's not like all this wasn't foreseen. I was stressing for years saying this would happen, and here we are. I refuse to help her financially because her son can, and will not allow her to move in because my mental health comes first.”
Though she has been bombarded with calls from her family members, the OP said, “I dont feel like an AH for not wanting to help her because this is the result of all those years of mistreatment, but I do feel like an AH because...she's my mom?”
The OP also gave an update, saying that her mother still works, and “did not pay into a retirement account.”
“This is why I'm conflicted and might just offer some money to help (we'll see thinking hard no right now),” added OP, before continuing, “Think of it as my payment to keep her out of my house, but it could open the door for more stuff because she'll push and this is seen to me as giving in somewhat.”
Internet declares that Reddit user was not wrong for her behavior
The Internet users declared that the OP was NTA, as her mother brought upon herself the situation as she played favorites with her children.
One of the Reddit users wrote, "NTA it sounds like you’ve set healthy boundaries and just need some reassurance since she’s your mom, is this ok. And it absolutely is. She’s an adult and needs to figure out her own life. Keep on with what you’re doing, you’re not the AH for maintaining your own life and mental health!"
Someone else declared, "NTA," before adding, "It boggles my mind how parents play favorites in such an obvious way and always seem to expect the non-favorite to take care of them in old age. She showed you for years what you were worth compared to her golden child. You are NOT TA for setting boundaries and refusing to bow down to her now that she turning to you. Beyond the clear favoritism, she has shown repeatedly that she doesn't respect your wishes for your own child. If she lived with you that would only worsen. Hold firm on your boundaries."
"Ha ha, oh dear. This pattern isn't uncommon. Your mother has created the situation in which she now finds herself," shared someone else, and noted, "NTA."
Another Redditor penned, "NTA at all. It’s funny how all these parents pick out a golden child, but the golden child never comes through in the end. They always have to rely on the child they miss treated. You don’t know your mom anything."
"NTA. Your own mental health always comes first, you can't jeopardize that even if it is your mom and you are the one who makes that judgment not your relatives. Your brother should be the one taking her into his house," mused another user, and advised, "As to whether to help her financially is up to you and how much you help but you should make a decision that you will not look back and regret IMO."
This article contains remarks made on the Internet by individual people and organizations. MEAWW cannot confirm them independently and does not support claims or opinions being made online.
