‘AITA for not wishing to adopt another child and possibly divorcing my husband over it?’

A Reddit user frustrated with her husband’s clear favoritism toward their adopted daughter, has rendered an ultimatum to sort his feelings out. Otherwise, she has threatened to divorce him to protect their biological daughter. 

Taking to the "Am I the A**hole" section of Reddit, a 33-year-old female used a throwaway account to narrate her story under the headline, “AITA for refusing to adopt another child and possibly divorcing my husband over it?” 

The Redditor shared that she met her husband during their university days, and he “made it immediately clear that he wanted to foster/adopt children in the future". He further clarified that if she was not okay with it, they might not continue their relationship. 

However, a problem arose when her husband - who was adopted when he was seven - started favoring the couple’s adopted child over their biological child.

Mom-of-two contemplates divorcing husband when he starts favoring one child

The OP, bearing the username Critical-Physics-999, shared that when they were dating and her husband had said he wanted to adopt a child, she had also made it clear that she wanted biological children as well, “which he was okay with".

After completing their degrees, the couple got married and expanded their family when they welcomed their biological daughter Rosie, who is 5 now.

The OP said they started fostering when Rosie was a newborn. They finalized the adoption of their other daughter Julia, 7, around a year ago. “Since then, we stopped fostering and chose to focus on our family," she wrote.

“However, I’ve noticed my husband clearly favors Julia over Rosie. He takes her out for bonding time but either leaves my daughter or drops her off somewhere else. He doesn’t tuck Rosie into bed anymore, he doesn’t make an effort to go to her events, and he practically ignores her when she’s at home, unless it’s to do something for him like chores,” shared the mother, who said that she has tried to bring "this up constantly to him".

Though both the girls are accomplishing in their respective fields, Julia is struggling a bit with studies, which the OP’s husband is using “as an excuse to not pay attention to Rosie".

The OP, who was now pregnant with their third child - a son - shared that when her husband found out about the news, his reaction was "when can we start fostering again?”

However, for the OP, the epiphany regarding their troubled family relations happened when Rosie asked why her father no longer loved her. 

“Two weeks ago, my daughter asked me “why doesn’t daddy love me anymore” and that was when I knew the problem wouldn’t be fixed unless I made a drastic move,” she wrote. 

Soon, the OP contacted a divorce lawyer, who said “nearly everything would be” in her favor. 

Their prenuptial agreement would make their separation and wealth split easier.

Since the OP is currently making 250K a year, and her husband makes around 55K, she shared, “I would be able to continue our lifestyle while he wouldn’t.”

However, she noted, “It also would likely prevent him from adopting more children in the future, which I don’t want to do to him.”

“The situation is ideal for me, besides me paying child support, assuming my husband would even be able to support our kids with 50/50 custody. I have no intention of keeping our daughters from him,” continued the OP before noting, “After speaking with my lawyer I gave my husband an ultimatum, treat both our children equal or I would be filing for divorce.”

As expected, OP’s husband did not take kindly to the words. He was rather “enraged after this,” shared the OP. He was “screaming about how I’m a b***h for trying to ruin his life goals and saying how I don’t understand what it’s like for children who experienced the foster care system.”

She continued that her husband further said Rosie “was selfish and she needed to understand why Julia needed more attention than she did".

“My girls ended up waking up from the noise and came downstairs crying. At this point I was both trying to calm my husband down and comfort my girls all at once,” revealed the OP. 

But the changed dynamic in their family has further put a strain the OP’s mind, who admitted she has now “started to resent Julia".

“I know very well it’s not her fault and I don’t let that affect how I treat my girls, but I sometimes find myself laying awake at night wondering how it would be if we just didn’t have her. I always imagine myself with a toddler and our last one on the way, my husband loving all our kids, being so kind the way he used to. Again, I do not blame Julia whatsoever and I’m very ashamed of these thoughts,” shared the OP.

The author feared that if something like this happens again she might snap, while also confessing she doesn’t want to shout at her daughters. She asked whether she was the AITA for harboring such feelings. She further noted that both the girls were in therapy.

She later added an update, where she clarified about their prenup situation and shared more insight into her income structure. Delving deeper into the update, the author shared that she finally had a discussion with her husband when the girls were at their grandparents’ house. 

Apologizing for the divorce ultimatum, she asked him “why he treats Julia so differently and neglects Rosie". When her husband said that he wanted to make Julia feel special because of his own past experience, the OP reasoned that “he also needs to make sure he’s doing the same with Rosie, as she is seriously hurt by his lack of interest in her".

At the end, the author shared that they made a plan and they “would each take over each others responsibilities with the kids, putting each other in a more active and equal role for each kid". They have also agreed to do couples and individual therapy, but her husband has refused to do the family therapy. 

She concluded by saying finally, “If things don’t change, I will push for separation and divorce if I must. However I want to avoid that, of course.”

Internet declares OP is NTA for her decision

The OP got the Internet's support who advised her to take her husband to therapy to improve the family's overall mental health. 

One of the Redditors commented, "So Julia needs more love and attention because she was abandoned by her parents, the same thing your husband is doing to Rosie. He needs to be in therapy. NTA."

"NTA. He has so much empathy for Julia but absolutely none for Rosie. It's as though he thinks only adopted children deserve to be loved," shared someone else, before adding, "Unless he can get it through his head that Rosie deserves love just as much as Julia does, you have to leave him to protect Rosie."

Someone else chimed in, "NTA. So, he presumably wants to adopt because he believes all children deserve to be loved, and yet, he neglects his biological child? You need to leave him, this doesn't seem like something that is fixable, especially as he does not see the problem, and your children deserve better."

"NTA. File for divorce. This is already impacting Rose. You need to leave your husband, this is damaging to her and it’s going to get worse with your baby on the way. Plus Julia doesn’t deserve to be resented, this is all. your husbands fault," declared another user.

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