'AITA for shouting at my ex-wife when she showed up unannounced with her young daughter?'

A story on Reddit’s "Am I The A*****e" forum has gone viral, with the internet debating whether a father was justified in losing his temper at his ex-wife in front of her young child.

The post by the original poster (OP) garnered thousands of upvotes and comments, with many siding with the OP but acknowledging the complexity of the situation.

Man loses temper at ex-wife's unexpected appearance after 10 years

In his post, OP explains his history with his ex-wife, who left him and their four children (now 20, 19, and 17) a decade ago.

"My ex-wife and I had 4 kids together (20F, 19M/F twins, 17M) before she left ten years ago. She packed a suitcase, left a note, and essentially vanished. She was meant to pick our kids up from school, but didn't. I was unreachable, and the kids were left for hours. They have suffered massive trauma as a result. My kids are in therapy, I am in therapy."

Recently, the ex-wife returned, claiming she was overwhelmed back then and now wants to rebuild relationships with her children.

"I remarried, and my husband has become a wonderful parent to my children, as well as our 4yr old girl. For the past 10 years, I have had no contact with my ex wife and have had little to no information as to her whereabouts. (Edit: I am male (he/him). I did not know I was bisexual until after my ex had left and I met my husband.)"

Under strict guidelines created with the help of professionals, OP agreed to facilitate this process. However, things escalated when the ex-wife showed up unannounced with a 9-year-old daughter (from a relationship after her departure) and insisted on introducing the child to OP's children without prior notice.

"In January, she reached out to let me know she was moving back to our province. She apologized for leaving, explained she was "overwhelmed", and wanted to coparent with me and develop a relationship with the kids. Since then, we have been working with professionals to help my children get to know their mother again."

"We have strict rules about this. They are all written down, with a copy given to myself, her, all 4 of our children, my husband, etc.. They are extensive and intense. She is on her last strike. My children are (almost) adults and I know that, but they asked me to serve as an intermediary in this relationship to protect them, and we drafted these rules together, as a family. They are always in control here."

According to OP, he politely asked his ex-wife to leave, emphasizing the need to consult the children’s therapist, lawyer, and his husband first. However, she refused and accused OP of denying her a relationship with her children.

"A few days ago, I was the only one home and she came by with a little girl, asking to see the kids. I told her they were out, and reminded her that my husband and I asked for advanced notice before a visit and that we didn't want anyone but her to be at these visits. She told me she had been "hiding" from the kids, and was not "unveiling her true life."

"9 years ago, she and her boyfriend had a kid, and that's the one on my doorstep, who she wants to introduce to my children. I asked her, politely, to please go home. She refused. I insisted she leave, so I could speak with my lawyer, the children's therapist, and my husband, as well as do some research and prepare the kids. I promised her I would call her when she could come by."

The OP explained, "She refused. I asked her to please send her daughter to the car, at the very least. She refused. Again, I told her to leave and that I would contact her that night. She wouldn't go. I told her she can't blindside the kids, and she told me I can't deny her a relationship with them. I lost my temper. I shouted at her, saying that if she wanted a relationship with them, she should've kept the one she had ten years ago."

His ex-wife and her daughter both began crying, and she eventually left.

OP’s husband was furious, believing that OP should not have shouted in front of the child and suggesting he should have called the police instead. This led OP to question his actions and seek the internet’s judgment.

"He told me that I should never have shouted in front of the child like that, and I should've just been calm and called the police. He was so mad that he slept in the guest room and has been chilly with me. I don't want to tell our kids about this without him, and I want to know if I really was wrong for it. AITA for shouting at my ex in front of her young daughter?"

Internet supports man for shouting at his ex-wife in front of her young child

The post sparked a flood of responses, with most users agreeing that OP was not the a*****e (NTA) while criticizing the ex-wife’s behavior.

One wrote, "NTA. I agree you shouldn't have yelled, but not sure having a police officer come over to escort them away would have been less upsetting for her daughter. Your ex-wife is the one truly at fault here for continuously ignoring both the terms of your agreement and your warnings."

Another pointed out, “Piggybacking to mention... anyone else think she purposefully brought the child so that she could break the rules without op being ‘rude’ in front of her child? Her attitude of not wanting to leave despite knowing she should (as per the rules) screams this. What a horrible mother. NTA."

Another added, “Bisexual man (their Father) raising all those kids after their "poor mother" walked out on them. What would he get in trouble for? Yelling at her? He didn't physically assault her. She can't just show up announced when they made an agreement. He is actually thinking of the best interest of his children and trying to reintroduce their mother in an appropriate manner. Showing up unannounced with a "surprise" sibling certainly isn't the way to do it. Could've been handled better but NTA."

Others sympathized with OP’s reaction, “Listen, I know this is going to be an unpopular comment, but yelling is not always bad. There is a reason we can yell. It’s used to scare off things that can harm us; to make things that can hurt us, stop. No one would fault a berry bush for making the fruit red to protect itself. No one faults a bird for screaming to distract a predator from the nest. When you deal with a human who refuses to be responsible or logical, you have to comment with their animal self. I say NTA." 

"NTA, You weren’t upsetting her child, she was using her child as a prop to force your compliance, that child should never have been in that situation to begin with.

Yelling wasn’t ideal but you didn’t have any good options as calling police would have been even more traumatic. You were protecting your kids, your ex was supposed to protect hers and seems to be failing all around," a user wrote.

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