‘AITA for telling my co-worker who has had multiple miscarriages to stop talking about her loss at work?’

A Reddit author was left annoyed with a female co-worker who “tends to be dramatic with a victim mentality".

Taking to the AITA section of Reddit, the author - presumably a woman - posed the question of whether she would be deemed an “a**hole” if “she tells the “coworker to stop bringing up her pregnancy loss?”

The original poster (OP) shared that in four years she has worked with her, the woman has had five miscarriages. But her graphic detailing of the losses is what makes the OP uncomfortable.

Redditor talks about co-worker who had multiple miscarriages

The Redditor started the post by posing the question, “AITA for telling my coworker to stop bringing up her pregnancy loss?”

The author then went on to give the background of her acquaintance with the colleague, as she wrote, “I have this coworker who I’ve worked with for almost 4 years. In general she is not a great coworker because she does not always pull her fair share of the weight, and tends to be dramatic with a victim mentality.”

She added that the colleague also has “personal issues with eating disorders, and is generally unhealthy according to what she shares with our team".

“She is also the type of person to make a big show out of everything she does, even the most mundane things,” noted the author before saying that she makes a lot of posts revealing mundane details about office Christmas parties as well. 

However, the colleague also has a personal history of loss, as the OP revealed, “Since we have worked together, she has unfortunately suffered through multiple (5, I think) miscarriages.”

While the OP admitted that is heartbreaking, she “can’t help but feel annoyed by her behavior when this happens".

“Each time, as soon as she finds out she’s pregnant around 6 weeks, she makes a big announcement to the office and talks about her due date, all of the details, and spends a great deal of time with our manager trying to coordinate all of her 40 weeks worth of appointments,” elaborated the OP.

Moreover, during her pregnancies, the coworker “also has really severe morning sickness which she will announce to the whole office multiple times per day, each time she gets ill, and pretty consistently leaves a mess in the bathroom".

“Each time she has miscarried, she makes a large announcement as well, and takes off work for several weeks for recovery. Of course we all feel terribly for her, but I can’t help but wonder why she makes such a big deal out of it so early each time if she knows that she has this traumatic history with pregnancy,” shared the author.

The OP continued, “It’s honestly becoming a distraction at work, and as much as I would normally be empathetic, I find it difficult to go through this rollercoaster of emotions with her each time it comes up. I think I feel this way because it’s a heavy emotional load at work, where i normally try to separate personal feelings as much as possible,” before asking, “Does this make me an a**hole?”

Internet declares OP to be NTA but urges her to be more empathetic

After the author put up the post on Reddit, social media users were quick to conclude that the OP would not be an a**hole. However, Redditors also declared that if the OP had voiced out her concerns to the co-worker directly, she could have been termed one. 

One user propagated the idea of fake pregnancy, saying, "NTA Did you ever think she’s making it up.. maybe she’s not pregnant, just likes attention."

The OP too appeared to agree with the user, writing, "I did wonder this too. After her most recent episode, she was giving us really graphic details and it just all seemed to weird to be true."

"Came here to say this," started another user, before adding, "These aren't the actions of a woman who's had recurrent miscarriages."

"You are not the AH here," declared one Redditor before saying, "I try to keep my personal life and work life separate, and I get annoyed at coworkers who share every detail of their personal life at work. If I were in your shoes, I would be annoyed too. I would keep my distance away from this coworker."

"NTA. You can feel whatever you like but you cannot reprimand her. You could speak to someone in HR to talk through the situation but don’t just fly off the handle at this person," added another Redditor.

However, there were a number of Redditors who also urged the OP to be more empathetic while handling the fragile issue. They also advised the author to broach the HR to deal with the situation instead of directly telling the woman. 

One of the Redditors declared that everyone is at fault over here. "I'm gonna go with ESH if you've actually told her this," declared the Redditor, before adding, "Yes, she sounds like an annoying person to work with in general." They, however, also added, "But if she's getting severe morning sickness right away, it's not her duty to hide it just so you don't have to think about messy things like miscarriage. You're essentially telling her you want her to somehow discretely sprint to the bathroom to puke multiple times a day without anyone finding out and then come into work and put on a mask while emotionally and physically recovering from a traumatic event. That sounds about as self-centered and rude as her taking up everyone's time in the office to discuss Christmas party plans."

"YWBTA yes. I seem to be against the grain here, but recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) is certainly a thing, as is nausea from very early on in a pregnancy. I don't see why this woman needs to hide her nausea or her mourning just to make you more comfortable," added someone else before chiding, "That seems very self-centered of you. Have some empathy."

Another confused user wrote, "Info: what actual action are you asking about? Not totally clear to me. You are never an AH for feeling any kind of way but there are certainly things you could do or say to her or your manager that would be fine and things you could do or say that would make you an AH."

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