'AITA for accepting my boyfriend’s public proposal and then turning him down in private?'

Public proposals can often give a fairy-tale ending to a couple’s love story or can go horribly wrong. 

A 26-year-old female Redditor recently shared her story of getting proposed to by her 28-year-old boyfriend in a public gathering, which she had to accept to spare his feelings, but refused later on. 

Taking to the AITA section of Reddit, the social media user shared her story, while posing the question, “AITA for saying yes to my boyfriend’s public proposal and then turning him down in private?”

Redditor refuses boyfriend’s proposal in private

The OP (original poster) started her story by sharing that she has been dating her boyfriend for three years, while things have been good,” the Redditor admitted, “I’ve been clear that I’m not ready for marriage just yet.” She added, “I’ve told him I need more time to feel comfortable with such a big step.”

However, a “few weeks ago,” when they went to a “big party hosted by his family for his dad's 60th,” everything changed. 

“I noticed that he was acting a little nervous but didn’t think much of it,” shared the author, before continuing, “Then, during the event, he got everyone’s attention, got down on one knee, and proposed to me in front of all his friends and family. I was completely caught off guard and panicked.”

She further added that since she thought public rejection could often humiliate someone, she chose not to hurt her boyfriend’s feelings and accept his proposal. 

Saying that she “really didn’t want to” humiliate her boyfriend, “especially in front of everyone he cares about. So, I said yes in the moment.”

“Everyone cheered, and he looked so happy,” she shared while admitting, “I felt horrible for misleading him, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

“After the party, on the car ride home I told him privately and explained that while I love him, I’m not ready to get married yet and that I only said yes to avoid embarrassing him in front of everyone,” she added, and confessed, “I thought being honest in private was the best thing to do.”

However, her boyfriend “got really upset.” The OP continued that he said, “I’d humiliated him even more because now he has to go back and tell everyone that we’re not actually engaged.”

“He said I should’ve just said no at the party if that’s how I felt. I feel terrible that I’ve hurt him and put him in this position, but I also feel like he put me on the spot in front of everyone without considering my feelings,” continued OP. 

She continued, “We've yet to tell his family or anyone and they keep calling and texting to give their congrats which is upsetting him even more and I'm seeing videos his friends posted online of him getting on one knee so it's pretty public now.”

She concluded the post by asking online, “So, Reddit, AITA? Should I have just said no in public, or was I right to spare him the embarrassment in the moment?”

Internet declares the OP was not guilty

The OP received unanimous support from her fellow Redditors who declared her to NTA. Moreover, several other users even found the boyfriend's proposal to be 'manipulative' as it left little to no scope for the OP to turn down. 

One of the social media users declared the OP to be "NTA" on Reddit, before explaining, "He asked you publicly when you’d been clear that you’re not ready for marriage yet. You were nice by not embarrassing him."

Another user termed the public proposal to be a form of coercion, saying, "Public proposals are otherwise a form of emotional coercion. What the proposer is actually asking is “tell everyone you will marry me or they’ll think you’re a b*tch”. Now that @OP is re-iterating their original position, the coercion continues. Their partner dug the hole, not @OP," and emphasized, "Hard-NTA. If you still want to be with this person, I would strongly suggest couple’s counselling; otherwise I fear this relationship is on the rocks due to a lack of emotional respect from your partner."

"He put her in a no-win situation," chimed in someone else, before explaining, "She couldn’t say no publicly, in front of all his family. It’s manipulation."

Another user noted, "NTA. Not a close question. He should know before he does something like that. And honestly I think he was trying to manipulate you. It didn't work."

"NTA," shared someone else, and mused, "The only time it is ok to do a public proposal is if you know that's the kind of proposal your future spouse wants. He proposed to you in front of his family knowing you weren't ready. That's unfair and cruel."

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