'AITA for asking my wife and mother-in-law to stop nagging me about my voice at family functions?'

A man recently took to Reddit's "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) forum to ask if he was in the wrong after a disagreement with his wife and mother-in-law over their constant complaints about the volume of his voice.

The OP shared his frustration with his wife and mother-in-law for repeatedly telling him to "keep his voice down" during family gatherings which has sparked significant discussion, with users offering a range of opinions on the situation.

Husband upset after his wife and mother-in-law repeatedly warn him about speaking too loudly

The original post starts with some context, "I (45M) don’t have living parents, so all family gatherings are with my wife’s (36F) family. Early on, I often felt like an outsider at these events. Her father made it clear he didn’t think I was “good enough for his daughter.”

The OP goes on to explain that due to differing religious beliefs, he and his mother-in-law didn’t get along well and he spent years being quiet and withdrawn at family events. However, he described a breakthrough moment at Thanksgiving dinner when he finally felt part of the family after loosening up with a few drinks and engaging with the guests.

But the good feelings didn’t last long. "On the way to Christmas dinner that same year, my wife gave me a talk in the car about “keeping my voice down,” citing her father’s migraines. She said I’d been too loud at Thanksgiving. While I know I can get enthusiastic and my volume rises when I’m excited, her comment caught me off guard and deflated me," he said.

The situation escalated when, while still on the road, he received a text from his mother-in-law echoing the same message.

The OP said, "I got a text from my mother-in-law with the same message: “Please be quieter this time.” It felt like they’d teamed up to "police my behavior."

He admitted that while he knows he can be loud when excited, the constant reminders felt like they were “policing” his behavior and left him feeling rejected.

"I can be loud when I’m excited—but this was the second time in ten minutes I was being told to “tone it down," he said, adding "Instead of feeling welcome, I felt rejected and embarrassed. It shattered the enthusiasm I’d finally found with her family, and sure enough, I was sullen and withdrawn that Christmas. I felt like “the outsider” all over again. Since then, this has become a pattern. Before every gathering—whether at their house, a restaurant (even loud ones), or other events—I get reminders from both my wife and mother-in-law to keep my voice down."

Since then, every family gathering has been preceded by these warnings which, OP believes, are creating a wedge between him and his wife’s family.

"The constant reminders make me feel like I’m an embarrassment to them. I know I’m taking this personally, but it’s hard not to. I don’t need the reminders anymore—I’m well aware of the issue by now—but their repeated warnings only deepen the wedge I feel between me and the family," he said.

The situation reached a boiling point when, just before a Christmas dinner, his wife reminded him once again to “keep it down.”

"I’m already dreading the text I expect to get from my mother-in-law later today. I can’t help but feel resentful, like they’ve conditioned me to avoid engaging entirely. So… AITA? Am I being too sensitive about a legitimate health concern for my father-in-law, or are they overstepping by handling this in a way that guarantees I’ll never feel fully comfortable around them again?" he asked.

Reddit reacts to the man's post about his struggle with wife and MIL’s volume requests

Redditors flooded the post with comments, with supporting OP’s feelings of frustration. One user wrote, "They're literally treating OP like a child incapable of controlling themself... It's demeaning, patronising and condescending. I understand if the first time the FIL had a migraine from OP being louder that they would say something, but every damn time now when OP is clearly completely withdrawn and anxious at every event since then? I certainly wouldn't deal with people treating me like that..."

Another wrote, "Christmas Eve is the big one for my in-laws. I like them, but definitely am also an outsider and MIL recently said she isn't 'impressed' with me because I don't try hard enough with them (they are gone 9 months of the year in their winter home or yachting, lol). I am SO EXCITED for Christmas Eve alone tonight and not having to worry about fitting in in their eyes. Bought a nice steak and am excited to celebrate with myself, a delicious meal, and a good movie."

"Sounds like MIL may be a puppet master over the wife. Now Wifey wants him to be acceptable to someone who will never like him because she’s decided he’s “not good enough”. Wifey needs to cut the apron strings," a user wrote.

Another commented, "As a fellow loud talker I feel this. I have to police myself at work, in social situations, etc. It's hard when it comes from someone else...especially when they seem to be ganging up on you. Tell your wife it hurt you. But, as an adult who is self-aware, you do have to watch yourself in the presence of others if you want to."

One user wrote, "It’s so frustrating when people focus on “fixing” you instead of making you feel included. You deserve to enjoy these gatherings without being constantly policed. Maybe a direct convo with your wife and MIL about how this makes you feel could help? They should care about your comfort too, not just FIL’s."

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