'AITA for not telling my family about my cancer prognosis before Christmas?'
A terminally ill person often chooses his time and place to inform his immediate family. But, if someone else interferes in the process, it can often turn painful and awkward.
Recently a man, who previously beat cancer, has again been diagnosed with the “Big C". However, the way his extended family members treated the news posed difficulty for him.
Taking to the AITA section of Reddit, the man asked the Internet community whether he is the AITA for not informing his family about his “cancer prognosis".
Terminally ill man asks Reddit community about his next course of action
In the post titled, “AITA for not informing my family of my cancer prognosis?", the OP (original poster) shared how he had beaten “cancer once, having had to go through ablative treatments, radiation, and then finally a partial nephrectomy resulting in complete remission for six years.”
However, he shared that six years later, he has “cancer again, in a new location,” which the doctors didn’t find until it turned severe. The bottom line? “I'm dying,” wrote the man, before noting that after beating kidney cancer, he is now affected with a “specific gastric cancer” that spread into his liver and lungs before it was diagnosed.
“Survival rate shot down to a literal coin-toss deciding my life and then kept plummeting. Targeted medicine wasn't working, shoving tubes into my veins to block the blood flow feeding the cancer wasn't working, and surgery wouldn't cut it because of how much it had spread,” elaborated the OP, before noting the escalating cost, and that they have now “moved on to taking care of the symptoms instead, palliative not curative.”
While he confirmed that he had told his family about the resurgence of his cancer, he admitted to having glossed over a few details, as the family is convinced he can overcome cancer once again.
“To them I beat cancer once, so I'll look and feel like s**t for as long as it takes but then I'm going to be back to normal and this will all be nothing more than a scary blip. It's nothing, because there's no possible way I can die after having beaten the Big C once before,” added the author in a sarcastic tone.
He explained that his family’s over-optimism was partly the reason why he did not want to destroy their Christmas with the somber announcement of his impending demise.
He continued, “I have time still,” before sharing his reason, “I wanted to have one last semi normal Christmas and New Years with my family before I told them that I had a year left.”
However, he noted that his plan wasn’t successful when his sister-on-law took the matter upon herself. “This went out the window because my SIL decided it was her moral obligation to hunt my mother down on FaceBook and tell her, so she could spread the word amongst them all so they could have their final holidays with me the way they want and not regret missing out on their last chances,” noted the author.
Though the SIL told the family two weeks before the OP and his wife’s arrival, his family chose not to broach the subject until they came. He wrote, “Pretty sure they also thought that once I got here I wouldn't feel able to leave which would give them plenty of time to tell me how selfish I am so I would work harder and through not being lazy and selfish I'll beat cancer again. Like the ultimate "have you tried not dying?"”
The author continued to share that while he was left seething with his family’s behavior, his wife was fielding communication between him and his family, while also giving her sister a piece of mind.
“I know it's not so cut and dry. I know my family is grieving, they've had far less time to process than my wife and I have had, but I'm so f***ing mad and disgusted with them,” shared the irritated OP, before noting, “They aren't thinking about me at all. I should be able to rely on them but here I am having to console them and help them through their grieving process.”
He added that while his family didn’t bother to “do anything more than call once in a while after the second diagnosis and listening to any discussion” about his cancer before moving on to “something else.”
He added, “They just want to cram in all their sentimental s**t for their own sake and trample all over me,” before claiming that they wanted him just as a “prop for their own emotional closure.”
“Somehow trying to explain that to them results in them saying it's their last Christmas too so I can't be so selfish to ignore that and how it doesn't have to be my last one if I didn't give up,” the OP continued before adding heartbreakingly, “I had this silly idea of spending time with my wife, I know, what a selfish bastard I am.”
Despite his long post, the OP summarized, “TLDR I'm dying, I wanted to tell my family this after the new year, SIL went behind my back and told my family, family is hurt and angry and panicking and ignoring my needs and wants as a result.”
Internet declares OP NTA
The Internet was empathetic towards the OP while declaring him to be NTA. They further condemned the family for behaving unreasonably while creating further problems in the OP's life.
One of the social media users wrote on Reddit, "Boundries. Cool down. Explain you have limited time if they want to spend it with you no more talk about treatment and list anything else you dont want to talk about. This was never gonna be cut and dry. Sounds like they know and just don't want to. Decide what will work for you and your wife. Don't feel guilty. This is one of the few cases where your family needs to meet you where you are at not the other way around. I hope you are at peace and this time left goes as well as it can for you."
"NTA OP tell your family that this very reaction is why you didn’t tell them, they are proving your point. Tell them they can still salvage this if they can stfu about your diagnosis and just enjoy each others company. If they can’t, then you will be leaving. Tell her to process their grief privately with their own spouse or therapist, it’s unfair to dump it all on you—you didn’t ask to get cancer," said someone else.
Another user declared, "NTA. Your health, your prognosis, and your decisions about how to share that information are yours alone. You had every right to decide when, how, and even if you told your family. Cancer takes so much control from you, and it’s entirely reasonable to hold on to the parts of your life you can control like the timing and method of sharing news about your illness."
"NTA. Your SIL is the literal worst. This Christmas/new year should have been about what YOU wanted. I hope you and your wife get to make the most out of this year," noted someone else.
This article contains remarks made on the Internet by individual people and organizations. MEAWW cannot confirm them independently and does not support claims or opinions being made online
