'AITA if I attend my PhD graduation instead of my sister’s courthouse wedding?'

Graduation is a monumental milestone and for one Reddit user, it’s been a long time coming. 

However, her dream graduation day is overshadowed by an unexpected twist—her sister’s wedding.

Sister's wedding vs PhD graduation 

“I’m graduating from my PhD program in the spring,” the Original Poster (OP) begins, setting the stage for a dilemma. “I’ve been picturing this day for the last 4 years and already had so many ideas for how I would celebrate in my head.” But her plans hit a roadblock when her sister dropped surprising news: “My sister just told me that she has planned her wedding for the same day as my graduation.”

The kicker? Changing the date isn’t an option. “She is not willing to choose a different date as the numerology is what she’s after,” OP explains. “I just feel weird about the whole thing as she seems to have planned her wedding on a whim, but still expects me to change my celebration plans for hers.”

The conflict becomes even trickier when logistics come into play. “My graduation is out of state, so it’s not like I could walk and then still make it to the wedding,” she adds. On top of that, her initial involvement in the wedding has been pared down. “I spent time and money to get ordained specifically so I could officiate her wedding, but she has decided she doesn’t want that and has chosen to go to the courthouse instead.”

The wedding itself, according to OP, isn’t elaborate. “Her wedding is not extravagant, just the courthouse and then dinner with the immediate family.” Adding another layer of complexity, her wedding anniversary falls two days later. “My own 6-year wedding anniversary is only two days after her planned wedding date. This irks my husband, but I get it, we don’t own the calendar.”

The OP tries to balance to avoid family feuds

Despite the awkward timing, OP has tried to be supportive. “I’ve offered to plan her bachelorette party, bridal shower, and help her with anything she needs wedding planning wise, but she is not interested. She already planned and paid for her own bachelorette party.”

The family dynamic further complicated the decision. “My family was planning on attending my graduation as well, but if I choose to walk, then they will be put in the awkward position of choosing which event to attend.”

That left OP torn between prioritizing her sister’s big day or honoring her hard-earned milestone. “My first instinct was that of course I’ll be there for my sister, but her behavior is making it seem like she doesn’t really care whether I’m there or not. I haven’t made any travel plans yet, but I’m trying to consider what would be best.”

Ultimately, OP sought advice from the Reddit community, and the response was resounding. “Thank you all for the replies. Seems overall consensus is I should go to my graduation,” she updated. “For those who asked, I will be receiving a doctorate in clinical nutrition. Interesting fact you all made me think about: 0.8% of Americans graduate with a clinical doctorate, while 48% of Americans get married.”

Reddit weighs in on which milestone takes priority, declares NTA 

Reddit users overwhelmingly supported OP’s decision to attend her graduation, with many emphasizing the rarity of earning a doctorate compared to the frequency of weddings.

One user summed it up perfectly, "NTA. You already had plans set in stone that couldn't be changed. Not many people get a PhD, and even fewer get more than one. I would go to my PhD graduation - especially since she is just doing a court house wedding and a small dinner. While I am sure it will piss her off, she will get over it."

One Reddit user chimed in, "You had you plans first? If so then she is the AH. Either way, you are entitled to attend your own celebration. You are invited to her wedding, not legally bound to be there. People need to stop being forced to attend someone else's event, specially when thepoor planning disrespects you. NTA."

Another added, "NTA. Courthouse weddings have few to no guests and pre-wedding events are for wedding guests. Your sister should have neither bridal shower nor Bachelorette, which is perfect because she doesn't want them. Walk at your graduation. Your sister chose this day on purpose and I doubt it was for numerology."

Someone else noted, "She is not willing to choose another date. NTA you had plans first not just plans but graduating with a PHD. By the way congratulations!

as the numerology is what she’s after. Well she obviously isn’t after getting everyone to attend on a day that works for them. I mean your sister is putting numerology over having you at her wedding. Also if you have been dreaming about this day for over 4 years then I can make a guess that she knew the date as well and how important it is to you. It might just be me half asleep with no coffee yet but part of me thinks she wants you to choose her over what you have been looking forward to for years."

A viewer remarked, "NTA put you first, your sister obviously doesn't care about you or your achievements."

One comment declared, "PhD graduation or courthouse wedding...LoL. It's not even that difficult of a decision!? How much work have you put in for those 4 years to achieve your PhD; you need to celebrate that!"

Another observed, "NTA. This reeks of your sister not being in the spotlight for 5 whole minutes and wanting to diminish your incredible accomplishment. Walk at your grad ceremony, celebrate yourself, and tell your sister you'll be a bridesmaid at her next wedding."

As one person explained, "NTA- A PhD is a huge accomplishment, congrats!

Your sister's wedding celebration doesn't negate your awesome accomplishment that took many years to achieve, don't short yourself of a celebration to accommodate someone else's. It is ok for you both to celebrate your own achievements/special occasions separately (even if it is difficult logistically for other family members), maybe after both events you can plan a time when you and your sister can get together and celebrate each other! When it comes to the rest of the family, I would just let them know they can attend which ever event they would like and no hard feelings if they can't attend your graduation."

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