AITA: Internet backs burned-out mom as she refuses to cook Thanksgiving lunch for first time in 15 years

Thanksgiving is the time of year when families gather, indulge in sumptuous food, and celebrate family traditions—except, for one woman it was more like a culinary marathon.

In a post on Reddit's 'Am I The A*****e' subreddit, an individual with the username SaltFall5312, who is a teacher and a mother to mother to four children (ranging from two to 15 years old), described how for the past 15 years, she’s been the designated turkey maestro, but this year she’s ready to give herself a break as she has been feeling utterly burnt out and exhausted from a demanding workload and parenting duties.

Woman fights to pass the Thanksgiving baton

"I just don’t have the energy to take on such a big responsibility again," the 38-year-old shared in a post that resonated with many. Her family’s reactions, however, turned the situation into a complex web of misunderstandings, expectations, and personal boundaries.

When she suggested that her sister-in-law (SIL1), who had recently moved into a new house, could host and cook the turkey this year, the idea was immediately shot down by her mother-in-law. "SIL1 is unreliable and might not wake up early enough to make it," she was told. This, despite her belief that hosting wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for her sister-in-law, especially given that she was a stay-at-home mom with just one child.

Undeterred, she suggested another option: her brother-in-law’s wife, who had been with the family for over five years but had never cooked a turkey. "The turkey cooks itself," her mother-in-law reassured, dismissing the idea that this could be a challenging task. Still, her family seemed to believe that she was the only one capable of handling the turkey, despite the fact that other family members showed up every year without lifting a finger.

But why, she wondered, was it suddenly a crisis when she wanted to take a break from this responsibility? "Everyone else shows up to eat every year without lifting a finger, but when I suggest not cooking this year, it’s suddenly a crisis," she pointed out.

When burnout is mistaken for resentment

When she told her husband that she didn’t want to cook this year, he accused her of being resentful of his parents. His reasoning was that she was upset because his parents had helped SIL1 buy a house.

However, she insisted that her decision wasn’t about resentment. It was about burnout. "I don’t want the responsibility of waking up early, making the turkey, and dealing with everyone asking me, 'Is it almost done?'" she explained. "For once, I just want to show up, sit down, and eat, like everyone else does."

But her husband didn’t seem to understand. "You have five days to rest before Thanksgiving, why can’t you just cook the turkey?" he asked. His response was not just frustrating, but hurtful. "I’ve been hosting Thanksgiving for the last seven years… that’s exactly why I’m tired," she countered, but the situation was far from resolved.

The tension escalated further when her husband suggested she was neglecting her "motherly duties." This hurt her deeply. "Why should I always be expected to take on the stress of cooking when others don’t have to because they ‘can’t’ or ‘don’t want to’?" she questioned.

Setting boundaries, a mother's right to rest

The final straw came when her husband made his position clear: he wouldn’t accept her refusal unless she cooked the turkey at a different time, so his family could eat at 3 pm. She stood firm. "I want to bring something easy this year, like sodas and desserts—just like everyone else gets to do," she declared. After all, this wasn’t just a one-year issue—it was about years of carrying the load. "I’m sticking to my boundaries," she emphasized.

What had once been a "tradition" of her making the turkey evolved after her mother-in-law, who didn’t have an oven big enough for the task, handed it off to her. Over the years, what started as a practical solution had morphed into a family expectation—one that had been passed down, and never questioned.

Reclaiming Thanksgiving and her space

In a final update, the woman shared that she had made her peace with the decision. She and her children would go to her mother’s house, where her mom, battling breast cancer, wanted a quiet day. Her husband was free to join them or not, but she was clear that her priorities had shifted. "I just want a break from being the one carrying the load every year," she affirmed.

Despite her initial hesitation to set firm boundaries, she recognized that she couldn’t keep sacrificing her own well-being to meet the endless expectations of others. "If they think no one else is capable of cooking, then they can deal with the consequences—not me."

In the end, this Thanksgiving wasn’t just about the turkey. It was about reclaiming her space, her energy, and her right to choose when and how she participates in family traditions. And sometimes, as much as we love our families, that means stepping back and saying, "I’m done for now."

Redditors rally behind burned-out mother

The Reddit community rallied behind the original poster (OP) with a mix of humor, frustration, and sharp insights.

One commenter cut straight to the point, "Motherly duties? Yeah, f** that. Your husband needs to shut his pie hole. In fact, tell hubby he either backs you or HE. CAN. DO. IT. ALL—cooking, cleaning, before and after the meal."

The thread echoed this sentiment, with another user challenging the double standard, "My only question back to the motherly duty part is…… how aren’t the other mothers then not neglecting theirs if they don’t take their turns for the holidays? How is she the only 'bad mother' because she won’t host but all the other mothers in the family haven’t hosted in years? That’s what I would say to the duh of a husband."

Others encouraged OP to make a stand, "Husband, if you’re so hell-bent on us hosting, then it’s 100% on you. You shop. You clean. You prep. You cook. I’m not going to lift a finger. I. Need. A. Break."

Some even suggested that if the family wouldn’t listen, she should step back completely. "This. I would even go so far as to leave and stay somewhere else at this point," wrote an individual. 

Many commenters identified a deeper issue, shifting the focus from Thanksgiving to the dynamics within OP’s marriage.

"May I politely suggest you have a husband problem.  He does not have your back and is gaslighting you.  Your MIL does not respect you and appears to value her daughter and other DIL more. Your husband will listen to what mommy says and acts accordingly. NTA for refusing to cook, go visit your mom for Thanksgiving," one pointed out bluntly.

Another suggested a radical yet cathartic solution: "Maybe a spa day with your phone off on Thanksgiving would teach him some manners. Marriage counseling, my friend. And he can take his ‘motherly duties’ and insert them into the orifice of his choice."

The thread reached a consensus: OP didn’t have a turkey problem; she had a husband problem. As one succinctly put it: "Are his arms painted on? He can cook and host." The advice was clear: it’s time for OP to reclaim her holiday—whether that meant visiting her mother, enjoying a solo spa day, or simply refusing to play the martyr anymore.

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