AITA: Internet backs man as he refuses to look after child of parent who may have to be hospitalized
Choosing your priorities often comes with a hidden cost of feeling guilty. A man recently found himself in a similar situation.
In a post made on Reddit’s ‘Am I The A**hole’ Subreddit, a man opened up about the peculiar situation he found himself in after he refused to look after the daughter of a man (Gary) with whom the OP’s family has had limited interaction in the past.
Redditor reveals how he and his family looked after Gary's daughter earlier
Giving a background of the situation, the author wrote, “I have 2 daughters in their early teens. The older one is autistic.”
He recalled, “A couple of years ago my younger daughter had a sleepover with 6 or so friends for her birthday. A few days later we had a request from the father (Gary) of one of these girls (Elsie) for her to stay over because he had to work a night shift.”
The OP, though apprehensive of the man’s surprise request, agreed to look after Elsie for the night and “she stayed".
“Elsie and Gary then signed up for a weekly class that both my kids do,” added the Redditor, before explaining that his only interaction with Gary happened each week when he drove the father-daughter duo to the class since “Gary doesn't drive.” He clarifies, “This is the only interaction I have with Gary, I'm not not close with him at all.”
However, Gary’s dependence on the OP’s family continuously increased as the author wrote, “Despite this he asked on a few more occasions (maybe 3 or 4) for Elsie to stay at our house."
They further noted that while his younger “daughter has grown away from being friends with Elsie over the past year or two,” his “older autistic daughter doesn't like the invasion of her space that having someone stay brings.”
Moreover, the post reads that Elsie’s stay caused further inconvenience for the family as they lose their spare bedroom and the OP has to drive Elsie to school as the girl doesn’t bike to school (as opposed to OP’s children).
“Even so, we always agreed to have her to help Gary out as he's a single parent and she was in need,” added the author.
However, recently, the situation took a drastic turn as Gary “has become ill and been admitted to hospital.”
“He asked for her to stay with us while he was in and we agreed as he's a single father and we felt sorry for him. We ended up having her for 5 days, but we weren't sure how long it would be initially,” noted the OP.
He further shared that despite knowing his health condition, Gary “made no arrangements for Elsie and assumed she could stay” with the OP’s family again.
“He ended up going back in earlier than expected and basically dumped her on us again. We felt we had no choice but to look after her. Again we had no ideas how long this would be for. It was ten days this time and we were all beyond our comfort zone with the situation, but my autistic daughter was really struggling with having a guest in the house for that long,” shared the author.
However, after Gary went out of the hospital and messaged the author to say he might need hospitalization again and Elsie “would like to stay with” them, the author had to intervene.
“This is where I may be the ah, I shut this down quickly and said that there is no way she can stay again. I feel bad because he is a single parent and claims he has no one else to turn to, but I feel that he has had plenty of time to sort out other arrangements and that I need to put my own children first. Her mother is alive but not an option for reasons that I don't know about,” noted the Redditor.
He concluded the post before asking the netizens, “So AITA for not helping out a sick father in need for the sixth it seventh time?”
Redditors declare OP to be 'NTA' even though he refuses to help Gary
Following the man's reasoning, the internet concluded that the original poster was not an a**hole," as he has helped Gary more than enough times. Since he declined to help the ailing man citing his own family issues, other Redditors cleared him of the accusations.
One Redditor wrote, while declaring him not an a**hole, "Aw man that’s so sad. NAH. You have been very generous to open your home to Elise and it sounds like Gary is doing progressively worse, health wise, so this isn’t going to end here." Asking whether Elsie had any other relatives, the commentator added, "It could be they need to move to another town, but Gary needs to understand that you’re not Elise’s parents and he needs to find a long term solution. He hasn’t asked you—he drafted you into this role.I hope he can find alternative care for the long term, and sadly, it may mean a relocation."
When the OP replied, "Yes, she had aunts and an adult cousin so I'm not sure why they can't get involved," another user mused, "You mentioned that Elsie had asked to stay with you, so that's your answer. It may not be that the family members can't get involved, but that this child whose dad has been in and out of hospital feels safe and comfortable at your home, and with a friend, and may not feel the same way about staying with her aunts or adult cousin."
The second user further added that Garry is also not on the wrong side as the man was probably trying to accommodate the requests of his daughter, who "is suddenly dealing with fear and instability would specifically request to stay at the house of a friend, rather than an older relative she's not close to."
"It’s not your responsibility to watch his child, it’s not heartless that you started finally putting up some boundaries. You’re not related in any way and there’s a possible issue of liability should a situation pop up with his daughter that you’ll be dealing with. And it’s not fair to the daughter to let her develop attachments that can’t be sustained either," succinctly put another user to assuage the OP's guilt.
Another user wrote, "Hmm. If I were to say YTA it would be because he had no way of knowing this wasn't working, and so he didn't really have a way to sort out other arrangements. Because you could have told him when it became obvious he was relying solely on your family."
While they suggested the OP could have guided Garry towards other resources, they also declared the OP to not be "NAH. It would be very kind of you to point him towards other resources- the school, the teachers of the class the kids take together, the hospital-that may be able to help him find another option."
Someone else noted, "Yes, you should have, and you should have been kinder instead of being so blunt. Yes, you’ve gone over and above for him. But you clearly let him think that you were happy to do so, not that you only helped begrudgingly. He’s obviously dealing with a serious medical issue and now has to figure out care for the most important person in his life. You are NTA for not wanting to continue helping, and while I hate giving a YTA since you have been so generous, in terms of how you told him, I think that’s the right judgement."
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