SNL roasts Kristi Noem's firing from DHS in brutal cold open: 'I self-deported!'

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK: 'Saturday Night Live' opened its Saturday, March 7, episode with a biting parody of former Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Kristi Noem following her exit, with cast member Ashley Padilla delivering a sharp impression of the embattled official.

Padilla, playing Noem was invited to a mock press conference and got introduced by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth played by “Weekend Update” co-anchor Colin Jost.

SNL's Kristi Noem character says 'I wasn't fired'

Jost’s Hegseth began by announcing Noem’s departure in typically sarcastic SNL fashion.

“After a year, singular, of hard work, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has been reassigned under the bus,” he quipped. “So let’s bring her out to give her a proper goodbye.”

Padilla’s Noem then entered the stage and immediately delivered the punchline that set the tone for the sketch. “I just want to make it clear that I didn’t get fired,” she said. “I self-deported.”

From there, the parody escalated as Padilla’s Noem rattled off exaggerated reflections on her tenure.

“And though I may be leaving this job, I will not be ending my mission,” she said. “As I told my plastic surgeon, the work is never done.”

Padilla’s character also joked about Noem’s controversial moments in office, including a line referencing a story about shooting her dog Cricket that drew heavy criticism when it surfaced during her political career.

“Because like they say, you miss 100 percent of the dogs you don’t shoot,” the character quipped.

SNL mocks Kristi Noem’s priorities

The sketch also mocked what it portrayed as Noem’s misplaced priorities while leading DHS.

“I took this job with the goal of securing our border, deporting thousands of illegals, and spending $200 million on ads of me riding a horse,” Padilla said. “And I think I really nailed it.”

The parody took an even more absurd turn when Padilla joked about an alleged workplace affair, delivering a punchline about “my married coworker in a big, beautiful flying bedroom 30,000 feet over Minneapolis.”

Toward the end of the faux press conference, Padilla’s Noem announced she was ready to move on to a new role created by Donald Trump.

“The time has come for me to turn in my badge, gun, lips, lashes, teeth, and forehead,” she said, before revealing she would become “Special Envoy to the Shield of the Americas.”

The bit ended with another jab from Jost’s Hegseth, who cut off the sentimental farewell.

“This may be goodbye, but this isn’t goodbye forever,” Padilla’s Noem said. “Yeah, except that it is,” Jost replied.