Trump, 79, turns fundraising email into plea for a spot in heaven

WASHINGTON, DC: President Donald Trump is now trying to cash in on his shot at eternal life.

The 79-year-old commander-in-chief’s Super PAC blasted out a fundraising email to supporters on Saturday with a bizarre opener, “Friend, I want to try and get to Heaven.”

However, it wasn’t completely out of left field. On August 19, Trump claimed that his sudden drive to broker peace between Russia and Ukraine was actually part of his effort to punch his ticket to the pearly gates.

That comment hit right amid speculation over his health—his bruised hand, swollen ankles, and a string of public gaffes have sparked questions about his wellbeing and even whispers about who would take the reins if things went south.

The thrice-married Trump even admitted to Fox News that when it comes to afterlife odds, he’s not exactly riding high. He quipped that he's “at the bottom of the totem pole" and needs all the help he can get.

Donald Trump's fundraising email

The fundraising email wasted no time with the hard sell. “So if you’re with me all the way to the end, join with MILLIONS of your fellow PATRIOTS by chipping in $15 to keep the wins rolling in,” it urged.

It's worth noting that Forbes pegs Trump’s net worth at $6.1 billion.

The email took things even further, claiming divine intervention kept Trump alive when 20-year-old Thomas Crooks fired a bullet at him during a Pennsylvania campaign rally last year.

According to the message, God himself spared Trump so he could “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”

Trump continued, “I wasn’t supposed to beat Crooked Hillary in 2016—but I did. I wasn’t supposed to secure the border & build the greatest economy in history—but I did. I certainly wasn’t supposed to survive an assassin’s bullet—but by the grace of the almighty God, I did.”

“SO NOW, I have no other choice but to answer the Call to Duty, but I can’t do it alone," he concluded.

Missing Donald Trump sparks death rumors

Earlier this week, Trump went off the radar after a marathon cabinet meeting where his secretaries showered him with top praise. For the media-savvy president, going quiet was unusual enough to set off a wave of conspiracy chatter.

By Friday, independent reporter Laura Rozen noted Trump had nothing scheduled for Labor Day weekend, and his critics online assumed the guy was dead.

The rumor mill went into overdrive, with trolls celebrating his “passing” in dark posts that racked up thousands of likes.

“If Trump’s dead, they should bury JD Vance alive with him like they did with pharaohs and their cats,” one post joked, pulling nearly 300,000 likes on X.

Another quipped, “Trump’s gonna wake up and see the world hoping he’s dead, and then he’s gonna get mad at Mexicans for some reason.” 

Someone else cracked, “Maybe he'll blame the tacos for waking him up too early! Wonder if he'll throw in a tariff on guacamole next?”

Donald Trump supporters clap back

Trump’s fans, of course, were not having it. They fired back by roasting liberals for their fever dreams.

“Everyone thinking Trump is dead after a couple days of not seeing him while ignoring the fact that our last president was a walking corpse that we only saw a few times a year is really funny to me for some reason,” one wrote.

Another piled on, “Donald Trump doesn’t appear in public for two days. The left: He’s dead! Joe Biden doesn’t put a complete sentence together in 4 years. The left: He’s the smartest and greatest president we’ve ever had!”

The President reappeared on Saturday morning, casually hitting the golf course and reminding everyone he’s still very much above ground.

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