John Mulaney says parenting a three-year-old feels like working for Ellen DeGeneres: 'Some days are hard'

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA: John Mulaney opened the latest episode of 'Everybody’s Live' with a humorous anecdote from his son’s spring concert, joking that parenting a three-year-old feels a lot like being on the crew of 'The Ellen DeGeneres Show'. 

Mulaney shared the relatable struggle of trying to get his son into a pair of light-wash jeans for the school concert, just as the school had asked, as per The Daily Beast.

John Mulaney compares parenting a toddler to working for Ellen DeGeneres

"If you were a neighbor of mine, last Friday at 5.15 pm, you would’ve seen me in a jacket and tie, holding a tiny pair of light jeans, chasing after a three-year-old boy only in his underwear, screaming, 'We had a deal!'" John Mulaney said. 

"You know what having a three-year-old is like?" the comedian asked, before adding, "Having a three-year-old is what I imagine working on Ellen's show was like. Because people come over and they’re like, 'How is it?' And you’re, like, 'Oh, it’s fine. You know, we have fun. There’s games.'"

He went on, "'Some days are hard. But it’s fun, you know! We have dancing, you know. So if he starts dancing, you dance, but if he stops dancing ... You f***ing stop dancing right away.'"

Later in the episode, Mulaney attempted a hilariously ambitious stunt, lining up 24 men, each precisely one inch taller than the last. The plan was going smoothly — until one guy who swore he was 6 feet tall was revealed, after closer scrutiny, to actually be 5 feet 11 inches.

John Mulaney says toddlers are all divas

The father of two also recalled a surprisingly tender moment from his three-year-old son Malcolm’s school concert. Malcolm, who was set to sing with his classmates, hit a wall of stage fright just before the show. 

"I look at the whole concert and I look at the kids, and I bend down and I say to my son, ‘Hey, this doesn’t matter at all. Nothing matters. So if you’d like to sit in my lap and watch the show, that’d be fun.’ And he goes, ‘Yeah. Yeah, I want that,’” Mulaney said, adding, “His teacher comes over and goes, ‘Malcolm, are you sure?’ Your class worked very hard. Everyone’s excited to hear the song.’”

Mulaney’s reply was peak comic dad: "Oh, excuse me Ms Inez, you have no idea how much you can disappoint an audience and still bounce back in this business."

The 'Everybody’s Live' host then riffed on the universal truth of toddler behavior, “It’s hard to get toddlers to perform together. They’re all divas of their own kind. Every toddler at heart is the star of their own show.”

Mulaney shares son Malcolm and daughter Mei with his partner, Olivia Munn.